The Life of Brian

Like most men, I hate shopping unless I’m going after something I know I have to have or I’m going after specific items for a specific person, I usually try to avoid shopping centers, especially during at peak times of the day or during certain seasons.

There are some exceptions, of course. Friends of mine can tell you that if you get me into a music or video store or book store, you’ll have to come find me an hour or so later. Those stores are the few places where I DO like to shop.

And then there are some retailers — particularly some chain stores usually only found at malls — where you wonder how the owners of the establishments are able to keep in business.

There’s one store, in particular, that specializes in “gift” items of a questionable nature, including such items as dolls or action figures that make a certain crude noise when you pull its finger.

Why would anyone need that item? What’s even more frightening is someone actually was PAID to develop that product.

Many mail-order companies specialize in some of those same chintzy, rather unusual novelty items that they proudly tout in regular catalog mailings to customers. A co-worker of mine — who shall remain nameless — receives a few these catalogs.

Now, I don’t know if she’s ever purchased anything from the catalogs. In fact, knowing her, she probably finds the humor in just thumbing through the pages and laughing at some of the more unusual items, all the while thinking: “Who got paid to think this stuff up?”

One such catalogue she received recently and proceeded to share with us at the office had several sterling examples of those products that you view in the catalogue, scratch your head and wonder why anyone would buy it, sort of like those Nascar commemorative plates that you hear comedian Jeff Foxworthy discuss in one of his routines.

Here are several I found while thumbing through a catalogue during a lull in activity at the office the other day:
• A “Hot Dog Dachshund Figurine” — Now, I know that dachshunds are often referred to as “wiener dogs” because of their shape resembling a Bryan Beefy Jumbo. But who would want a statuette of Dachshund inside a hot dog bun on their mantle?
• The “Pregnant Belly T-shirt” — This one had me doing a double take when I looked at the catalogue photo, which has a woman, obviously with child, wearing a white T-shirt with the artwork not placed on the chest area like most T-shirts, but on the womb.
What’s the artwork, you may ask? A cartoon of a baby crammed into the womb. Hmmmm….
• The “Sport Ball 3-D Window Shatter Cling” — This ingenious product is designed to be affixed to a window, mirror, computer screen, etc., resembling a baseball, golf ball or softball that has been “hit through” glass and gotten stuck.
Again, I just rub my chin and say, “Hmmmm….”
• The “Arbor Door Mural” — The catalogue description says it best on this one: “Transform a door into a lush garden view that lends the illusion of enlarging your living space. No watering needed — your tranquil retreat is always in full bloom.”
Yeah, right, until the mural starts peeling off the door. Wouldn’t it just be easier to have a set of French doors instead?
• The “Mr. Moose Candy Dispenser” — Crafted to resemble a hand-carved moose, the dispenser releases its candy with a gear toward the rear. If you need further description, let’s just say, you press down on the moose’s tail, and the candy — jelly beans, M & M’s, whatever — is released through the hindquarters.
I don’t think I need to draw you a picture. But can I just say, “Ewwww…”
• The “Tropical Fish and Seashell Toilet Seats” — This is just what I want to look at when I’m going to the restroom… fish under my posterior.
• The “Gas Pump Liquor Dispenser” — This one needs no further description. Just use your imagination.
• Various and sundry novelty T-Shirts — Now I must admit some of these are pretty cute, though I would never be caught dead wearing one in public. Among my personal favorites in this particular catalogue are the shirts emblazoned with such slogans as “This is not a beer gut; it’s a protective covering for my rock hard abs,” “Be kind to your children; they pick your nursing home,” “Team effort: A lot of people doing what I say” and “I live in my own little world, but it’s OK… they know me here.”
And, last, but certainly not least, my favorite items…
• The “Butt/Face Towel and Soap” — The catalogue says these products “add humor to bath time” and are “sure to amuse houseguests.” I think if someone is actually crazy enough to buy them, then they must be having a little trouble in the shower.

I just amazes me that people actually get paid to think up this stuff. But, hey, it’s a living.